OMG

Some days...this job...makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall...HARD...*image to the right is not mine...I "borrowed" it from google...or some shit

Also - I woke up this AM coughing...it had better just be allergies or imma be pissed off! I leave for Houston on Saturday. It's the first time in 2 years seeing my sister, my nieces, and my nephew. I do NOT want to be sick down there. That will seriously suck...esp since I don't want to pass it to them.

As far as the emails go - no I haven't shared them with my mother. I'm not sure why exactly but I'm not sure I'm ready to share them with her. I'm sure I will be at some point, but it's not like she's missing much. Mom already knows what my relationship with Kate was. Actually we were just talking about how one of my very favorite trips was a trip to Yellowstone Park with Kate. It was just the 2 of us in her Saab. She was on the Atkins diet at the time (keep in mind I remember this even though I was probably only 12/13/14 at the time). If you remember, that was the diet with the no carbs. Anyway, whenever we went for any kind of trip we always grabbed road snacks. I was allowed to pick anything I wanted....no limits. So on this particular trip I picked the ultra expensive "squeeze cheese" and Ritz. She pick pork rinds...eww...but she loved them. What makes that memorable is not so much the snacks. It's that as we were driving in some of the parks curvy roads I was sitting there eating ritz with cheese and loading her pork rinds. I remember her holding them out for me and I'd cheese them for her. I remember a lot of things about our trips together....mostly small minute things, but those were the things that left the biggest mark. Also, the saving them...I think that might have happened even before she died. I'm not sure why I saved them, but I'm extraordinarily happy I did. I also agree that connections like that are once in a lifetime. Mine was clearly all too brief. 9 years just isn't enough time, but then again, how much time would be enough? I can't say that I was prepared to lose my mommy person at 20. People often times look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about her like that. They think that because I have my mom I should not feel the loss of Kate like a parent. However, it is every bit as deep, I think. I hope that I don't find that one out any time soon though! They also can't relate to it because although they may be close with their parent/s it isn't the same kind of close. I do hope those emails brought you a deeper knowledge of my relationship with her. I get what you're saying about looking for someone to connect with in the same way. I still hope for it, but as I hope for it, I realize that it is just not meant to be. There is no other like that in this world, nor would I truly want their to be. I love that she was a unique person. A person that was easy to "fall in love with" whether it be as a friend, parent, or lover. She was good at making people feel good, loved, listened to, and nurtured. She definitely had her bad points and selfish moments, but in death it is much harder to see a person's faults. I really have to dig for them...but then again I, myself, always have had to dig to find any faults in her. :)

I'm very glad to hear that mom is moving. It will be better for her to be out of that dreary place and into somewhere that will, hopefully soon, feel more like home. Also, tell the neighbors that I said to "fist themselves". Piss on them if they don't like the dish. It's fun to look at shit like that and think "in the grand scheme of things...wtf does it matter to them?" I don't have time to be annoyed by all the stupid shit my neighbor does. It happens so often that if I focused on when it was happening I'd never do anything else at home. I just sit and stew and be pissed off. You don't buy those things thinking you're always (or elways as Kate would say) going to get your way. There's a homeowners association for a reason kids...

And if you need help this weekend I volunteer mom :) I would come, but I will be on a plane. It's hard to move furniture when you're on a plane. If you can't figure out the bed I would also say ask mom. She's terrific at fixing shit. If you aren't done by the time I get back I will come help you guys finish up. I'm sorry I've been a bad blogger too, but shit happens.

XO, J