I cannot wait until I am done with Grad school and can afford a shrink...although spilling one's guts to a colleague might not sound so great when the time actually comes.
I guess for now I'll just write.
Today we got news that mom ex's dad died. They are trying to sort out the estate of what belonged to whom so that they can figure where shit goes. Shelley died a year ago...I think. Or a year ago-ish or 18 months or maybe 6 months. I don't really know anymore. I don't know what to think about any of it. I'm tired. Emotionally drained. I want to wash my hands of the past more than ever. I don't want to think about Shelley or her dad. It was the past. The past WAS in the past. I had moved on. Why does it feel like whenever I think I'm moving on the shit hits the fan and brings me right back to the past? Mom is the executor of her will. Shelley left everything to mom. Mom didn't fight Frank (Shelley's dad) for anything. She figured Frank supported Shelley for most of her life (when she wasn't in a relationship, in which case the other person in said relationship...mom at one point...would take care of her). However, Shelley had said she wanted me to have her computer and her jewelry to sell and use for my schooling. Shelley had said she wanted her Corvette left to a friend's boys (2 of 4 kids - nice eh? but who am I to judge - God only knows what was going through her mind). Mom now has to decide...does she wash her hands of the situation? Does she sell the car to make up for what I lost? Or does she give the car to these kids? I played devil's advocate and eventually told her to do whatever she FEELS is right. If her heart is okay with it then it's all good. Honestly, Shelley was so long ago to me that I don't give two shits about her stuff. I went through a lot because of their relationship...emotionally it was quite the ride. This is the flaming ass lesbian that showed up at my school, where I was already made fun of for having a gay mom, in HOT PINK LEATHER PANTS...with a matching hat. I, being who I am, laughed when she did it. It upset me at the time, but I had 2 choices: laugh and take the attention away from it OR cry and let the mean kids win...along with that cementing the thought that maybe I was bothered by it all. I was sometimes. It was different with Shelley. She was very OUT. Kate wasn't gay, but she fell in love with my mom. It was more laid back. I also loved Kate very deeply and those feelings made all the other things not matter when mom was with Kate. Shelley did teach me to be okay with gay so to speak. I will always be eternally grateful, even for the embarrassment. She was kind to me and showed me great respect in the beginning. I loved her as a person, as mom's girlfriend, and as a friend, but never as a mother. We never had the same connection of hearts and souls as Kate and I did. Kate was my soul mother, my heart mother, the mommy I had sent out for in my dreams. Shelley was a great mentor and friend...she was no where near a parent. She also hurt me more when she left. When Kate left she told me that it was not good-bye forever because I was HER child and love between parents and their children never dies. When Shelley left she had started drinking again. She and I fought all the time. She had allowed her mother to emotionally berate me. In the months before Shelley left she: fought with me, had me kicked out, complained about me, and belittled me. She and I were NOT on good terms. I don't remember the last conversation we had, but one of the last STRONG memories I have emotion wise of her, is the day Kate died. I remember the call, and mom, and then I remember Shelley asking what happened. She was trying to be kind, but I remember not wanting her there. A woman that a year or 2 before that I would have absolutely gone to with this...I did not want to see her, hear her, or even be in the same house with her. A woman I had once loved and respected and now wanted nothing more than to have away from me. It was truly sad. That is one of my last vivid memories of her. The very last memory I have of Shelley is a drunken telephone call made to me the month before she died. One where, had she been sober, the sentiment might have stuck. It didn't. When she died I was sad. Sad for mom and sad for such a wasted life. She was intelligent, funny, and kind when she wasn't drinking. Her death made me wish that she had always lived as that person...but that person was a lie. As I said, Shelley did a lot of good things along with the damage. I will always love the her she could be. The her she was when we very first met. The her that was kind to her friends and family. The her that made me laugh. The her that was the yin to Uncle Neil's yang. The her that helped mom move out of her post-Kate funk...at least partially. To this I say - Rest in peace Shelley - I will love you always and think of you fondly...when everyone is not forcing me to evaluate the past at least...
xo, J
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