Whirlwind of emotion...

Nothing like having a week filled with some of the highest of highs and some pretty shitty lows....

So - I'm in Houston, Texas again after our little adventure to Stillwater, Oklahoma. My beautiful little niece Brittany Ann graduated from high school yesterday. What a doll...I am so proud that I could literally go on forever (practically). She was one of the valedictorians! Amazing, but no surprise. Her mom (my sister) and dad are extraordinarily bright themselves. I could probably gush about how amazing my sister is for ages too, but I will save that for another post. I am so happy to be down here with them that I could burst...is spontaneous combustion possible? I am already dreading having to leave. I miss them with my whole heart when we're not together.

Also this weekend is the 6th anniversary of Kate's death...which has been extremely hard to deal with since I've taken it upon myself to not be a party pooper. No one down here has any idea. I think Annie caught a glimpse in a weak moment today when she asked if I was okay and I said "yep, just a lot on my mind". Of course she's a freaking people reader and was like probing..."lots going on back home?" my answer "yes and no"...She didn't pry and I didn't give anything else. She knows me well enough, I think, to know when I'm not talking there's probably a reason. I would love to talk to her about it, but I would hate to be a party pooper. She's celebrating a rather emotional milestone with Brit right now and I don't want to ruin that...AND I don't want her to feel bad for me. I wish I knew how to approach all of this differently because of all the people I am surrounded by, my sister is the only one I want to talk to about it. I think it's her good heart and all of the compassion that just shines out of her when she talks to me. She doesn't think she's that great, but I know the REAL truth.

Can't think of anything else to really say right now, but I'm sure I will have more shit to blog about later when I'm home and less tired.

XO, J

SHIT HAPPENS!

You are right-Shit happens! But it also makes us who we are. I would not change anything in my life because it has comprised the person I am--good and bad! I am glad you are getting to go to Houston. Does your mom need some help in the office like answering phones or anything while you are gone? I could do that or do what she tells me! Usually I am pretty good about following directions--if I want to.
So what are you going to do in Houston? It will be hot there at least! I am freezing today. I just really want it to be summer. So desperate for summer and sunlight!! The garden is in but the dog really thinks it needs to be out.
So you know that other person that i have been trying to sort out? Not working so well I think. Talks one way and acts another. I have a really hard time with that. That integrity thing always gets me hung up. The one thing that she is doing is being more respectful to D. That has helped somewhat but D also feels it is superficial. No win situation. Dykenamics. WTF! Speaking of WTF way to go getting Michelle on your friend list. No one better especially since you are doing that grad school thing!
So today, i am going to move some stuff from my basement to mom's house so I can start having a basement again. I think Rodd is going to come hang the door in a couple of days. We are stuck because we can not find anyone to hang it---even a contractor! WTF!
I kind of want it done so we can get everything else done. But in the grand scope of things--how important is it? Did you read Jord's letter? She cracks me up! Definitely my indigo child! Okay-must go and get stuff moved!! Love ya!
Summit

OMG

Some days...this job...makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall...HARD...*image to the right is not mine...I "borrowed" it from google...or some shit

Also - I woke up this AM coughing...it had better just be allergies or imma be pissed off! I leave for Houston on Saturday. It's the first time in 2 years seeing my sister, my nieces, and my nephew. I do NOT want to be sick down there. That will seriously suck...esp since I don't want to pass it to them.

As far as the emails go - no I haven't shared them with my mother. I'm not sure why exactly but I'm not sure I'm ready to share them with her. I'm sure I will be at some point, but it's not like she's missing much. Mom already knows what my relationship with Kate was. Actually we were just talking about how one of my very favorite trips was a trip to Yellowstone Park with Kate. It was just the 2 of us in her Saab. She was on the Atkins diet at the time (keep in mind I remember this even though I was probably only 12/13/14 at the time). If you remember, that was the diet with the no carbs. Anyway, whenever we went for any kind of trip we always grabbed road snacks. I was allowed to pick anything I wanted....no limits. So on this particular trip I picked the ultra expensive "squeeze cheese" and Ritz. She pick pork rinds...eww...but she loved them. What makes that memorable is not so much the snacks. It's that as we were driving in some of the parks curvy roads I was sitting there eating ritz with cheese and loading her pork rinds. I remember her holding them out for me and I'd cheese them for her. I remember a lot of things about our trips together....mostly small minute things, but those were the things that left the biggest mark. Also, the saving them...I think that might have happened even before she died. I'm not sure why I saved them, but I'm extraordinarily happy I did. I also agree that connections like that are once in a lifetime. Mine was clearly all too brief. 9 years just isn't enough time, but then again, how much time would be enough? I can't say that I was prepared to lose my mommy person at 20. People often times look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about her like that. They think that because I have my mom I should not feel the loss of Kate like a parent. However, it is every bit as deep, I think. I hope that I don't find that one out any time soon though! They also can't relate to it because although they may be close with their parent/s it isn't the same kind of close. I do hope those emails brought you a deeper knowledge of my relationship with her. I get what you're saying about looking for someone to connect with in the same way. I still hope for it, but as I hope for it, I realize that it is just not meant to be. There is no other like that in this world, nor would I truly want their to be. I love that she was a unique person. A person that was easy to "fall in love with" whether it be as a friend, parent, or lover. She was good at making people feel good, loved, listened to, and nurtured. She definitely had her bad points and selfish moments, but in death it is much harder to see a person's faults. I really have to dig for them...but then again I, myself, always have had to dig to find any faults in her. :)

I'm very glad to hear that mom is moving. It will be better for her to be out of that dreary place and into somewhere that will, hopefully soon, feel more like home. Also, tell the neighbors that I said to "fist themselves". Piss on them if they don't like the dish. It's fun to look at shit like that and think "in the grand scheme of things...wtf does it matter to them?" I don't have time to be annoyed by all the stupid shit my neighbor does. It happens so often that if I focused on when it was happening I'd never do anything else at home. I just sit and stew and be pissed off. You don't buy those things thinking you're always (or elways as Kate would say) going to get your way. There's a homeowners association for a reason kids...

And if you need help this weekend I volunteer mom :) I would come, but I will be on a plane. It's hard to move furniture when you're on a plane. If you can't figure out the bed I would also say ask mom. She's terrific at fixing shit. If you aren't done by the time I get back I will come help you guys finish up. I'm sorry I've been a bad blogger too, but shit happens.

XO, J

WTF!

Okay so have not been so good at the blog thing these last few days! It just seems when I start finding my groove someone poors a big ole pile of tar in it!! you know what I mean i am sure.
Lets see where should I begin. Well first of all I am way glad you are in grad school. When do you start? What does your mom have to do to get you to grad school--like finding someone else there.
Your emails between Kate and you are mind boggling to say the least and have so much more ability to understand where you are coming from. She really did breathe your soul at times. You are the person you are today because she touched your inner being and is still connected to you--no doubt.
Its kind of like jordan told me the other day. She would not give up all the bad things that have happened in her life because it was those things that have shaped her. Even if she could change it all. After reading Kate's emails, and it is something that i will do several times, it is truly apparent that she shaped the good and the bad in you.
I found myself as I was reading those wondering if you had ever shared those with your mother. I find it remarkable that you have saved them all. It points to the depth of your relationship with her. I know truly understand-i think- where your pain is at and what you miss so much. You will never have that same connection again with someone. You will connect with people again but it will always be different. Where I got in trouble with my grief stuff was trying to find that same connection. That could not happen because what i had was special and no one was going to meet those expectations. Once I started to internalize that I could start having healthy relationships with people-- for the most part. Still not perfect at but working on it.
This week is spent packing my mom up and getting her moved to her new place admist her pissing off all the neighbors. By the way for future reference there is an FCC law that says you can not ban dishes if they stay within a certain size requirement. Oh my mother!!!
Saturday is supposed to be the big move. Carpet layers are there today and Denise and i will try to move some stuff tonight. She wants the bed that she bought for my dad and she wants it set up. i am not sure how it goes together because we took it down so fast for the hospital bed to go in there. Really, can it be that hard????
Sorry I have not been real great at blogging.
Summit

Holy Shit Child!!!
Okay, quickly between mommy obligations here. There is so much we must catch up on! Secondly, you ask why all this shit keeps coming up. You don't have any control over people dying. Trust me-I have tried. However your response is what you have control over. My guess is that there is something you are supposed to learn from this or an issue you really have not resolved. My experience no matter how old or young you are---issues keep biting you on the ass until you have resolved them. Just when you think they are resolved--they take another chomp.
I am sorry your mom is also having to deal with this shit. If I know your mom like I think i know your mom, she will try to fulfill Shelly's wishes if able and will always err on the side of the kids.
Things in this neck of the woods continue to earth defying and boggle my mind greatly.--That really is not a hard thing to do. I enjoy reading your blogs and wish I could respond quicker and more in depth than I do. Really I have so much more I want to say.
I feel like I am reading a piece of your soul when I read those emails and I am savoring every piece of wisdom and grace within them-hence my slow response. You have given me a great gift by sharing them. Thank you is not adequate.
Summit

Every Shrink needs a Shrink...

I cannot wait until I am done with Grad school and can afford a shrink...although spilling one's guts to a colleague might not sound so great when the time actually comes.

I guess for now I'll just write.

Today we got news that mom ex's dad died. They are trying to sort out the estate of what belonged to whom so that they can figure where shit goes. Shelley died a year ago...I think. Or a year ago-ish or 18 months or maybe 6 months. I don't really know anymore. I don't know what to think about any of it. I'm tired. Emotionally drained. I want to wash my hands of the past more than ever. I don't want to think about Shelley or her dad. It was the past. The past WAS in the past. I had moved on. Why does it feel like whenever I think I'm moving on the shit hits the fan and brings me right back to the past? Mom is the executor of her will. Shelley left everything to mom. Mom didn't fight Frank (Shelley's dad) for anything. She figured Frank supported Shelley for most of her life (when she wasn't in a relationship, in which case the other person in said relationship...mom at one point...would take care of her). However, Shelley had said she wanted me to have her computer and her jewelry to sell and use for my schooling. Shelley had said she wanted her Corvette left to a friend's boys (2 of 4 kids - nice eh? but who am I to judge - God only knows what was going through her mind). Mom now has to decide...does she wash her hands of the situation? Does she sell the car to make up for what I lost? Or does she give the car to these kids? I played devil's advocate and eventually told her to do whatever she FEELS is right. If her heart is okay with it then it's all good. Honestly, Shelley was so long ago to me that I don't give two shits about her stuff. I went through a lot because of their relationship...emotionally it was quite the ride. This is the flaming ass lesbian that showed up at my school, where I was already made fun of for having a gay mom, in HOT PINK LEATHER PANTS...with a matching hat. I, being who I am, laughed when she did it. It upset me at the time, but I had 2 choices: laugh and take the attention away from it OR cry and let the mean kids win...along with that cementing the thought that maybe I was bothered by it all. I was sometimes. It was different with Shelley. She was very OUT. Kate wasn't gay, but she fell in love with my mom. It was more laid back. I also loved Kate very deeply and those feelings made all the other things not matter when mom was with Kate. Shelley did teach me to be okay with gay so to speak. I will always be eternally grateful, even for the embarrassment. She was kind to me and showed me great respect in the beginning. I loved her as a person, as mom's girlfriend, and as a friend, but never as a mother. We never had the same connection of hearts and souls as Kate and I did. Kate was my soul mother, my heart mother, the mommy I had sent out for in my dreams. Shelley was a great mentor and friend...she was no where near a parent. She also hurt me more when she left. When Kate left she told me that it was not good-bye forever because I was HER child and love between parents and their children never dies. When Shelley left she had started drinking again. She and I fought all the time. She had allowed her mother to emotionally berate me. In the months before Shelley left she: fought with me, had me kicked out, complained about me, and belittled me. She and I were NOT on good terms. I don't remember the last conversation we had, but one of the last STRONG memories I have emotion wise of her, is the day Kate died. I remember the call, and mom, and then I remember Shelley asking what happened. She was trying to be kind, but I remember not wanting her there. A woman that a year or 2 before that I would have absolutely gone to with this...I did not want to see her, hear her, or even be in the same house with her. A woman I had once loved and respected and now wanted nothing more than to have away from me. It was truly sad. That is one of my last vivid memories of her. The very last memory I have of Shelley is a drunken telephone call made to me the month before she died. One where, had she been sober, the sentiment might have stuck. It didn't. When she died I was sad. Sad for mom and sad for such a wasted life. She was intelligent, funny, and kind when she wasn't drinking. Her death made me wish that she had always lived as that person...but that person was a lie. As I said, Shelley did a lot of good things along with the damage. I will always love the her she could be. The her she was when we very first met. The her that was kind to her friends and family. The her that made me laugh. The her that was the yin to Uncle Neil's yang. The her that helped mom move out of her post-Kate funk...at least partially. To this I say - Rest in peace Shelley - I will love you always and think of you fondly...when everyone is not forcing me to evaluate the past at least...
xo, J

A better blog...for a better tomorrow...

actually it's more like a quandary...How do you explain something to someone when that person has no idea what it would be like, what it is, is skeptical, etc? There are a lot of things in this world that I can't explain. My undying obsession with my girl crushes :) (Love Jane Seymour, Sandra Bullock, and Mariska Hargitay the most right now - just fyi), this unending bond with Kate, the way that she knew me in a way that only a true mommy could, the way I tend to get along with people older than me or younger than me than people my own age, why Reiki is good and important, even what Reiki really is, why I am so closeted spiritually although I am very much a spiritual person, why I feel that I was cheated regarding Kate's death, why my mom and I are so close now,the difference between my relationship with mom and mama Kate and how that translates into the loss of a mommy, how much Shelley changed my life and in what ways, how much I really do miss the people I've lost, why I can't grieve openly, why I keep so much to myself and bottled up, who I am, why I'm not as close with people as I used to be, why I don't feel a need to hug everyone I meet any more, where that openly spiritual crazy life loving girl went, and why I feel so damned jaded...lots of things that I can't explain to myself, but more importantly, to others. I feel like people really want to understand my relationship with Kate, my fixations, and who I am...and I want to be able to explain it and then some. I want them to understand the Kate stuff, the Reiki stuff, my spiritual side, why I can't just talk about everything, and why I sometimes seem like I'm lecturing. I want this, but it seems improbable (because nothing is impossible - right?)
XO, J

Thank you for not leaving me anywhere to go with that! :)

Anyway...the more and more I wait for the Grad school to respond the more and more desperate I feel about my job. I feel like it's eating me alive...It's not good.

Thank you for sharing the emails with me. I am only up to 3/23/02 but a couple of things have struck me like a 2x4!
1. She calls you "Angel Child" I have called Jordan that since she was a baby.
2. "She knows how to connect to people I love even when i am not with them physically" What a great promise she leaves you there J. A gift beyond words. Open your soul to the connection. She is there.

Don't have the nads...

to actually throw anything away :) I don't think I could do it. I was mostly just wondering if it would make it easier...but maybe it would in reality make it harder.

Had to inform someone else that Kate had died today. It was awkward. I laughed because I didn't really know how to react. Told mom I need to work on that.

Sent you the emails that you spoke of btw.

As far as the job goes - it just depends on the day. I sometimes feel that way and other times I really just wish that things were different all the way around. It's part of the reason I can't wait to hear from the Grad school. Me being completely on my own will be good for both of us. Although I can't help but think it will be lonely not seeing mom everyday. As you know we're pretty tight.

Damn - lost my train of thought again...distractions, distractions

xo,
J

A little of this and a little of that

I would not advise getting rid of things in all honesty. There may be something 10 years from now that you wish you had. You know my mom is starting to tell me that she dreams of my dad now. they say it is really common to dream of people after they have died. I still dream of Deb and don't really want to because it just makes me miss her more even though I am glad for the opportunity to at least have a dream about her and see her in a better form.
Its okay to acknowledge that you were robbed of a chance to say good-bye to Kate. But I would ask you to think what would Kate tell you about it if she were still here today. You told me on Saturday how she would always just knew when to take you away if you needed to cry or be mad or whatever so you could have some privacy. Kate sounds like she was really in tune to you. I have things that are just things to anyone else but mean the world to me. I can touch them and know there is a connection that no one else will ever understand. I suspect some of those things are true for you and especially the emails.
I have been thinking about your frustration with work also--I know I am all over the map--but just to be upfront, close and personal, could it be you are just as frustrated because you can not control the clients and you are not being "allowed" to help your mom. Think how independent she is when trying to reconstruct things or even allowing someone to buy her dinner. Its not about you. It is what makes your mom who she is. I don't think you will change that. You will have the opportunity to find how to work within it. Not always an easy place to be.
Love ya,
Summit

Bye, bye...

Summit - not really saying erase the memories as much as the things that remind me of her (or her absence). Like the knick knacks, photographs, songs, sometimes even the people. I was starting to be able to deal after 5 years and then I realized I'd never fully deal until I knew what had really happened. I was in the dark as far as details go for 5 years. It was a long time coming, but it somehow seems to have kick started the grieving process again. Maybe I need to grieve differently this time. I don't remember my brain being quite so fixated on it before Martha filled me in on everything. Maybe I'm just deluded...I mean I know there are definitely things that I've apparently blocked out that everyone seems to think I would remember. Not sure what's going on, but apparently I am also the only one who dreams about her. Mom said she does when she dreams, but that she doesn't dream. Then the other night when I was talking to Martha she said she wishes she would dream about her. Ahhh...the dreams they are a blessing and a curse though my friend...they are a reminder of what's no longer here and how great it was. I guess right now I don't really know how to feel about it, but the fact that you say that we never stop grieving...I guess that makes me feel better...and worse all at the same time...and now I've lost my train of thought because work sucks
xo,
J



And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong that you can make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by

And soon as you reached a better place
Still I'll give the world to see your face
And I'm bragging next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Mariah Carey - "Bye, Bye"

Really!! 5:00 in the morning!

We too were awake and tossing and turning. Memories of passed people floating thru my head unlike sugar plums dancing in my head however. As far as your comment of should you just get rid of all your memories--you let me know how that is working for you. Unless you can erase your brain I am not sure that is going to work too well for you. Memories are meant as a tool to not only process the relationship but to evaluate it and to grow from it. Now why would one want to "dispose" of those opportunities? I once was accused of making love to my pain. It is true that sometimes we can become so dependent on the feelings of loss that is all that consumes us.
I use that "box" both literally and figuratively. When I need to touch those memories, I get the box out. It is very rare as I know I have to be careful not to "not to make love to my pain"
I have learned that one never stops grieving but we grieve at different levels at different times. I always think about the movie GI Jane when I am grieving and the line where the guy says" You know what the good about pain is? It lets you know you are alive!" I think there is some real truth to that.
As far as waking at 5 in the morning you were blessed with seeing a sunrise. Perhaps Kate's gift to you for the day!

It's 5 in the mornin & I can't go to sleep

Cause I wish, Cause I wish you knew what you mean to me...

Okay it is literally 5:17...the cat woke me up and while trying to go back to sleep mama Kate popped into my head. While I was thinking of her the thought occurred to me...Would my life be easier if I would just get rid of all reminders? How do I do that? Could I do that? I don't think there would be any way for me to do that, but I sometimes, in a moment of weakness, wish that there was. I know without my reminders (which are many, including parts of my personality and some extraordinary friends) I would be less full, I would be a lot more boring, but sometimes maybe it would be worth it. I can't separate myself from the past. The past may be the past, but that doesn't mean that it stops influencing the future. Thoughts?

That being said I think I'll turn on some Dr. Quinn (thank Goddess for Jane Seymour...) and try to go back to sleep...also, I'd like to mention the sun is thinking of coming up at 5 in the morning. It's beautiful. It's a new dawn...

XO, J

Somedays...

I really want to punch someone.IN.THE.FACE....apparently today is going to be that day...again. It's no wonder my blood pressure is high...just sayin's all :) yay me!

In Response...

K...Kate always used to tell me that I was an old soul. Mom still reminds me of it. It's why people my age don't understand me. For the most part I am okay with that. It has allowed me to have many friends that are older than I...from my sister, to Martha, to you...it is a gift. I get to see a different part of the world. Actually Kate used to tell me that I should have been born in the 60's or 70's. She said I would have made a great hippy (yaknow though one that shaves their pits and legs though :) because the stinky pits don't work for me). She also used to tell me that anger was just hurt and sadness manifesting into an easier emotion. I agree completely. It is much easier for me to express anger and outrage than hurt and disappointment. I have quite the temper sometimes. Also, I have no advice for Jordan on being young with peers that don't understand you because they are such young souls. It's hard. It sucks sometimes. I hope that if she ever has trouble understanding it she will call. I will be here. My only suggestion would be to look inside herself and know that it is not HER. There is NOTHING wrong with HER. Even when it seems like that is the only answer. I've struggled myself with it.

Next...you know my mom. You have seen how she reacts to situations. We were not good with emotion outside of ourselves. I will rarely cry in front of my father or his family...including my sister, which I actually think now is a little weird. If anyone in that part of the family were going to be okay with me crying it would be my sister or other mom, but alas. Nope. It's funny though because when Kate was here I had no problem with emotions. She was very good about knowing what my needs were and would promptly remove me from the situation if she felt I needed it. When I did cry she would take me aside, not because I should be ashamed of crying, but moreover for my own comfort. I don't know very many people who are comfortable about crying openly. I have only openly cried once and that was at my grandfather's funeral. At the point that I lost it I buried my head in my mom's lap (I was only 19...so I vaguely understand what Jordan's going through). I didn't want my family to see me fall apart even then.

I too am saddened by that fact that LF only seems to be able to do one at a time. Especially when the one she is doing right now is in the profession she is in (yes mother I know...I ended a sentence with a preposition). I would think that her "one" would also be more comfortable in her own skin. I don't understand this entire uncomfortable thing. Especially where it is that she is uncomfortable being around you and D, but only when there are others involved...I guess I'm like it's me and my mom - wtf is there to be uncomfortable about?!? I would think most people would be uncomfortable around you, LF, and I because we are such strong, mouthy personalities. We are LOUD and speak our minds. I mean my GAWD my mother is quiet and reserved...she only speaks her piece if she thinks it's worth speaking! Again...that being said, K, I have time for more than 1. I have time for many. Do you feel that you can speak openly to me although I am such a young physical being? I told mom I worry about people talking to me because I am so young. Many of my people seem to feel weird about spilling their guts to someone that is young enough to be their child. What do you think? Kiss of death for the therapy career?

AND LAST...death certificate...I don't know wtf is up with that! They should have a different name for things that are not fun than certificate. I mean you get a birth certificate, marriage certificate (oops but only if you're straight...working on that one), certificate of merit, etc....maybe it could be a death record or death voucher or death permit :) or death warrant...warrants are always bad!

xo, J

FEELINGS, CRYING, SLAMMING DOORS! I too do not do those wells. I guess that is why writing is kind of like a drug to me. I can decide just how much I am going to let out. Denise would tell you that after reading the book "Love Languages" my love language is the written word. She knows if she wants to communicate with me wholly she needs to do so in writing. I agree that I do understand the written language better and I tend to write when I want someone to understand me.
Crying is not something I do well either unless I see my mom cry and then it is all over!! Crying in the shower is good and crying alone works well for me. See I can usually tell someone whats wrong but then I am done. I don't want to share anymore with them unless, again, it is writing. I guess for me I have to have time to formulate my feelings and my emotions. I am glad you can say that you are mad at Kate, but she knows that mad is more hurt and loneliness. When my friend Michelle who is the therapist met Jordan, she said a she is an old soul. She is in an indigo child. Very true. See Jordan has great friends, but friends her age do not understand her sense of humor or her sense of pain because she has a greater understanding of it than her peers. Much like you my friend.
I grew up in a family where you did not do emotion. I am probably the most emotional in my family. I will at least talk about feelings--especially other peoples!! No seriously, I will talk about how I am feeling but rarely will show it. See I think that is where LF and I hit it off because she did not do and does not do emotion for herself but does it great for others! Now for me there is allot of hurt there because she can only do emotion for one person at a time. So confusing I know!!
Okay, I would love to stay and chat but I get to go pick up death certificates!! Yeah for me!! Why do we have those anyways. Its not like you won a contest or something!!

Oh Good Grief!

WTH!? Gotta agree with my girl K down there....what is up with this crazy ass weather!?!? I woke up at 3:30 (thank you bastard cats) and looked...there was a slight bit of snow on the cars, but it was not ACTUALLY snowing. I get a text at 6:30 asking me if I've looked outside. Of course not! I was sleeping! However, that prompted me to leave my warm, cozy bed and hot foot my arse to the window...low and behold - like 4 inches of that shit! I hate! *image to the right courtesy Casey Riffe at The Billings Gazette

That little rant being said - I was thinking about your blog from yesterday, K., and it got me thinking...What is it about being a strong, independent woman that makes us feel like we have to keep it all inside? I don't cry very often in front of other people (mom is the absolute exclusion to this rule - I will cry in front of her on occasion). I hate to cry. I hate to be vulnerable. I see it as a weakness. I will keep my feelings hidden until I am alone. I am a great actress when needed. I will laugh and smile and pretend that everything is okay just for the sole purpose of not dealing with what I am really feeling. Then I will go home and cry and wish that I had someone who understood what I was feeling there (which in turn feels like weakness to me). But how in the world are people supposed to know what you're feeling if you don't let them know? If you just push it down and hide it? They aren't mind readers...I find myself saying this to my friends all the time. "How is he supposed to know you're upset if you don't tell him? He's not an effin' mind reader for Christ's sake!" Yet, when it comes right down to it, I want someone to know without my saying that something bothers me. I blame Kate...actually I blame Kate for a lot of things...BUT it's because she always seemed to know before I ever said anything. This mommy person's dead, but I still have my mom is confusing for people...I guess maybe I will have to explain all of this at a later date...

I also want to say how excited I am to work on the "potty project" this weekend with K and D. Meet the other J's new gerbil thingy...K is it a gerbil or hamster - she sent a pic but I couldn't tell...and to spend some MUCH needed talk time with everyone!

All for now...Peace out!
J.

Really? Waking up to more frickin snow! I know Iam supposed to celebrate that we have moisture and change in seasons and all that bullshit! Morrgan came busting in to our room today ready for Siberia. Snow boots, hat and winter coat!! Its May for God's sake!!
Trying to be a parent of a parent is not working well for me. I called Mom today and suggested that perhaps she wants to leave Mediocre Falls before 2 or 3 as there is snow here and snow there which would cause one to believe there is snow in between. Its not like she HAS to be here tomorrow to close on her house which has already been delayed by a week. Without saying alot she was not keen on the idea of leaving early because she has "lunch dates" scheduled. Ooops did I forget that lunch dates are more important than safety. See what I mean--I have become the parent! WTF!
I am going to go paint the second coat on the boards so I will be ready for Saturday's events! Look forward to hanging with J. and L. more than completing the project! There is something so calming about just hanging out with them.
Summit

Running paint and running mouths!

Ah a new blog for which I am thankful! Happy Cinco De Mayo! Or as my friend Sarah says-another good reason to drink tequila in the day time!
So I was looking at the calender to fill out daycare days for the boy and it comes to my attention how much my life has changed in 3 weeks. 3 weeks is really a very small spec of time. I have always been much more spiritual than religious and believe in past lives and strongly believe that we are all connected thru those past experiences. So time is really trivial as where we are now is just a flash in the continuum of time. However in those 3 weeks I have lost my father to greater fishing waters, become THE caretaker of my mother, have re-evaluated my deep relationship/friendship with the person that I thought was different than they really are. I have also discovered that real family is not your blood family but the ones that are right there in "it" with you. As I have always said I am thankful for my family of choice.
So tonight as I am staining boards for the bathroom that has become a long time work in progress, it occurred to me that running paint is much like life. One has to carefully put this liquid on a board and try to get it even before it runs is a little like life. You get on your feelings out there and then the person that holds them dogs you. More about this later. At any rate there is more of a correlation than I can put into words right now.
So I have lost my father, my daughter lost her gerbil and mother lost her husband, life mate and bird all in 3 weeks. There really is no where to go but up. See I handle all this with humor but in truth my soul hurts and my heart cries with the words of unknown proportion.
I know this is good as they say and life will go on. I know I am strong but yet I feel so weak. I know I am brave but feel so scared. Oh the conundrums that life gives us. Thanks J. for setting the up the blog!
K.

New era, new blog

K...what name would you like to use for you and what for I? or me?

Okay kiddies! This is the first unofficial, official blog on this new blog that K and I decided we should start. It will probably be a lot of what's going on in each of our lives, each others lives, around town, and mostly a SHIT TON of randomness, but all is well my friends. Anyone who knows either of us will know that we are some random ass people anyway so they'd expect nothing less! :)

As I'm writing this, K, my mind flies to a line in a song..."Let's give 'em somethin' to talk about"...so here we go. My hope is that this blog will be healing, rewarding, and fun for both of us. You, my friend, are ONE of a kind.

What would you like to talk about first?