If anyone cares...I blogged over...

HERE

tonight...because of insomnia and words in my head...that link is my other blog btw and yeah...it is what it is...

Whirlwind of emotion...

Nothing like having a week filled with some of the highest of highs and some pretty shitty lows....

So - I'm in Houston, Texas again after our little adventure to Stillwater, Oklahoma. My beautiful little niece Brittany Ann graduated from high school yesterday. What a doll...I am so proud that I could literally go on forever (practically). She was one of the valedictorians! Amazing, but no surprise. Her mom (my sister) and dad are extraordinarily bright themselves. I could probably gush about how amazing my sister is for ages too, but I will save that for another post. I am so happy to be down here with them that I could burst...is spontaneous combustion possible? I am already dreading having to leave. I miss them with my whole heart when we're not together.

Also this weekend is the 6th anniversary of Kate's death...which has been extremely hard to deal with since I've taken it upon myself to not be a party pooper. No one down here has any idea. I think Annie caught a glimpse in a weak moment today when she asked if I was okay and I said "yep, just a lot on my mind". Of course she's a freaking people reader and was like probing..."lots going on back home?" my answer "yes and no"...She didn't pry and I didn't give anything else. She knows me well enough, I think, to know when I'm not talking there's probably a reason. I would love to talk to her about it, but I would hate to be a party pooper. She's celebrating a rather emotional milestone with Brit right now and I don't want to ruin that...AND I don't want her to feel bad for me. I wish I knew how to approach all of this differently because of all the people I am surrounded by, my sister is the only one I want to talk to about it. I think it's her good heart and all of the compassion that just shines out of her when she talks to me. She doesn't think she's that great, but I know the REAL truth.

Can't think of anything else to really say right now, but I'm sure I will have more shit to blog about later when I'm home and less tired.

XO, J

SHIT HAPPENS!

You are right-Shit happens! But it also makes us who we are. I would not change anything in my life because it has comprised the person I am--good and bad! I am glad you are getting to go to Houston. Does your mom need some help in the office like answering phones or anything while you are gone? I could do that or do what she tells me! Usually I am pretty good about following directions--if I want to.
So what are you going to do in Houston? It will be hot there at least! I am freezing today. I just really want it to be summer. So desperate for summer and sunlight!! The garden is in but the dog really thinks it needs to be out.
So you know that other person that i have been trying to sort out? Not working so well I think. Talks one way and acts another. I have a really hard time with that. That integrity thing always gets me hung up. The one thing that she is doing is being more respectful to D. That has helped somewhat but D also feels it is superficial. No win situation. Dykenamics. WTF! Speaking of WTF way to go getting Michelle on your friend list. No one better especially since you are doing that grad school thing!
So today, i am going to move some stuff from my basement to mom's house so I can start having a basement again. I think Rodd is going to come hang the door in a couple of days. We are stuck because we can not find anyone to hang it---even a contractor! WTF!
I kind of want it done so we can get everything else done. But in the grand scope of things--how important is it? Did you read Jord's letter? She cracks me up! Definitely my indigo child! Okay-must go and get stuff moved!! Love ya!
Summit

OMG

Some days...this job...makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall...HARD...*image to the right is not mine...I "borrowed" it from google...or some shit

Also - I woke up this AM coughing...it had better just be allergies or imma be pissed off! I leave for Houston on Saturday. It's the first time in 2 years seeing my sister, my nieces, and my nephew. I do NOT want to be sick down there. That will seriously suck...esp since I don't want to pass it to them.

As far as the emails go - no I haven't shared them with my mother. I'm not sure why exactly but I'm not sure I'm ready to share them with her. I'm sure I will be at some point, but it's not like she's missing much. Mom already knows what my relationship with Kate was. Actually we were just talking about how one of my very favorite trips was a trip to Yellowstone Park with Kate. It was just the 2 of us in her Saab. She was on the Atkins diet at the time (keep in mind I remember this even though I was probably only 12/13/14 at the time). If you remember, that was the diet with the no carbs. Anyway, whenever we went for any kind of trip we always grabbed road snacks. I was allowed to pick anything I wanted....no limits. So on this particular trip I picked the ultra expensive "squeeze cheese" and Ritz. She pick pork rinds...eww...but she loved them. What makes that memorable is not so much the snacks. It's that as we were driving in some of the parks curvy roads I was sitting there eating ritz with cheese and loading her pork rinds. I remember her holding them out for me and I'd cheese them for her. I remember a lot of things about our trips together....mostly small minute things, but those were the things that left the biggest mark. Also, the saving them...I think that might have happened even before she died. I'm not sure why I saved them, but I'm extraordinarily happy I did. I also agree that connections like that are once in a lifetime. Mine was clearly all too brief. 9 years just isn't enough time, but then again, how much time would be enough? I can't say that I was prepared to lose my mommy person at 20. People often times look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about her like that. They think that because I have my mom I should not feel the loss of Kate like a parent. However, it is every bit as deep, I think. I hope that I don't find that one out any time soon though! They also can't relate to it because although they may be close with their parent/s it isn't the same kind of close. I do hope those emails brought you a deeper knowledge of my relationship with her. I get what you're saying about looking for someone to connect with in the same way. I still hope for it, but as I hope for it, I realize that it is just not meant to be. There is no other like that in this world, nor would I truly want their to be. I love that she was a unique person. A person that was easy to "fall in love with" whether it be as a friend, parent, or lover. She was good at making people feel good, loved, listened to, and nurtured. She definitely had her bad points and selfish moments, but in death it is much harder to see a person's faults. I really have to dig for them...but then again I, myself, always have had to dig to find any faults in her. :)

I'm very glad to hear that mom is moving. It will be better for her to be out of that dreary place and into somewhere that will, hopefully soon, feel more like home. Also, tell the neighbors that I said to "fist themselves". Piss on them if they don't like the dish. It's fun to look at shit like that and think "in the grand scheme of things...wtf does it matter to them?" I don't have time to be annoyed by all the stupid shit my neighbor does. It happens so often that if I focused on when it was happening I'd never do anything else at home. I just sit and stew and be pissed off. You don't buy those things thinking you're always (or elways as Kate would say) going to get your way. There's a homeowners association for a reason kids...

And if you need help this weekend I volunteer mom :) I would come, but I will be on a plane. It's hard to move furniture when you're on a plane. If you can't figure out the bed I would also say ask mom. She's terrific at fixing shit. If you aren't done by the time I get back I will come help you guys finish up. I'm sorry I've been a bad blogger too, but shit happens.

XO, J

WTF!

Okay so have not been so good at the blog thing these last few days! It just seems when I start finding my groove someone poors a big ole pile of tar in it!! you know what I mean i am sure.
Lets see where should I begin. Well first of all I am way glad you are in grad school. When do you start? What does your mom have to do to get you to grad school--like finding someone else there.
Your emails between Kate and you are mind boggling to say the least and have so much more ability to understand where you are coming from. She really did breathe your soul at times. You are the person you are today because she touched your inner being and is still connected to you--no doubt.
Its kind of like jordan told me the other day. She would not give up all the bad things that have happened in her life because it was those things that have shaped her. Even if she could change it all. After reading Kate's emails, and it is something that i will do several times, it is truly apparent that she shaped the good and the bad in you.
I found myself as I was reading those wondering if you had ever shared those with your mother. I find it remarkable that you have saved them all. It points to the depth of your relationship with her. I know truly understand-i think- where your pain is at and what you miss so much. You will never have that same connection again with someone. You will connect with people again but it will always be different. Where I got in trouble with my grief stuff was trying to find that same connection. That could not happen because what i had was special and no one was going to meet those expectations. Once I started to internalize that I could start having healthy relationships with people-- for the most part. Still not perfect at but working on it.
This week is spent packing my mom up and getting her moved to her new place admist her pissing off all the neighbors. By the way for future reference there is an FCC law that says you can not ban dishes if they stay within a certain size requirement. Oh my mother!!!
Saturday is supposed to be the big move. Carpet layers are there today and Denise and i will try to move some stuff tonight. She wants the bed that she bought for my dad and she wants it set up. i am not sure how it goes together because we took it down so fast for the hospital bed to go in there. Really, can it be that hard????
Sorry I have not been real great at blogging.
Summit

Holy Shit Child!!!
Okay, quickly between mommy obligations here. There is so much we must catch up on! Secondly, you ask why all this shit keeps coming up. You don't have any control over people dying. Trust me-I have tried. However your response is what you have control over. My guess is that there is something you are supposed to learn from this or an issue you really have not resolved. My experience no matter how old or young you are---issues keep biting you on the ass until you have resolved them. Just when you think they are resolved--they take another chomp.
I am sorry your mom is also having to deal with this shit. If I know your mom like I think i know your mom, she will try to fulfill Shelly's wishes if able and will always err on the side of the kids.
Things in this neck of the woods continue to earth defying and boggle my mind greatly.--That really is not a hard thing to do. I enjoy reading your blogs and wish I could respond quicker and more in depth than I do. Really I have so much more I want to say.
I feel like I am reading a piece of your soul when I read those emails and I am savoring every piece of wisdom and grace within them-hence my slow response. You have given me a great gift by sharing them. Thank you is not adequate.
Summit

Every Shrink needs a Shrink...

I cannot wait until I am done with Grad school and can afford a shrink...although spilling one's guts to a colleague might not sound so great when the time actually comes.

I guess for now I'll just write.

Today we got news that mom ex's dad died. They are trying to sort out the estate of what belonged to whom so that they can figure where shit goes. Shelley died a year ago...I think. Or a year ago-ish or 18 months or maybe 6 months. I don't really know anymore. I don't know what to think about any of it. I'm tired. Emotionally drained. I want to wash my hands of the past more than ever. I don't want to think about Shelley or her dad. It was the past. The past WAS in the past. I had moved on. Why does it feel like whenever I think I'm moving on the shit hits the fan and brings me right back to the past? Mom is the executor of her will. Shelley left everything to mom. Mom didn't fight Frank (Shelley's dad) for anything. She figured Frank supported Shelley for most of her life (when she wasn't in a relationship, in which case the other person in said relationship...mom at one point...would take care of her). However, Shelley had said she wanted me to have her computer and her jewelry to sell and use for my schooling. Shelley had said she wanted her Corvette left to a friend's boys (2 of 4 kids - nice eh? but who am I to judge - God only knows what was going through her mind). Mom now has to decide...does she wash her hands of the situation? Does she sell the car to make up for what I lost? Or does she give the car to these kids? I played devil's advocate and eventually told her to do whatever she FEELS is right. If her heart is okay with it then it's all good. Honestly, Shelley was so long ago to me that I don't give two shits about her stuff. I went through a lot because of their relationship...emotionally it was quite the ride. This is the flaming ass lesbian that showed up at my school, where I was already made fun of for having a gay mom, in HOT PINK LEATHER PANTS...with a matching hat. I, being who I am, laughed when she did it. It upset me at the time, but I had 2 choices: laugh and take the attention away from it OR cry and let the mean kids win...along with that cementing the thought that maybe I was bothered by it all. I was sometimes. It was different with Shelley. She was very OUT. Kate wasn't gay, but she fell in love with my mom. It was more laid back. I also loved Kate very deeply and those feelings made all the other things not matter when mom was with Kate. Shelley did teach me to be okay with gay so to speak. I will always be eternally grateful, even for the embarrassment. She was kind to me and showed me great respect in the beginning. I loved her as a person, as mom's girlfriend, and as a friend, but never as a mother. We never had the same connection of hearts and souls as Kate and I did. Kate was my soul mother, my heart mother, the mommy I had sent out for in my dreams. Shelley was a great mentor and friend...she was no where near a parent. She also hurt me more when she left. When Kate left she told me that it was not good-bye forever because I was HER child and love between parents and their children never dies. When Shelley left she had started drinking again. She and I fought all the time. She had allowed her mother to emotionally berate me. In the months before Shelley left she: fought with me, had me kicked out, complained about me, and belittled me. She and I were NOT on good terms. I don't remember the last conversation we had, but one of the last STRONG memories I have emotion wise of her, is the day Kate died. I remember the call, and mom, and then I remember Shelley asking what happened. She was trying to be kind, but I remember not wanting her there. A woman that a year or 2 before that I would have absolutely gone to with this...I did not want to see her, hear her, or even be in the same house with her. A woman I had once loved and respected and now wanted nothing more than to have away from me. It was truly sad. That is one of my last vivid memories of her. The very last memory I have of Shelley is a drunken telephone call made to me the month before she died. One where, had she been sober, the sentiment might have stuck. It didn't. When she died I was sad. Sad for mom and sad for such a wasted life. She was intelligent, funny, and kind when she wasn't drinking. Her death made me wish that she had always lived as that person...but that person was a lie. As I said, Shelley did a lot of good things along with the damage. I will always love the her she could be. The her she was when we very first met. The her that was kind to her friends and family. The her that made me laugh. The her that was the yin to Uncle Neil's yang. The her that helped mom move out of her post-Kate funk...at least partially. To this I say - Rest in peace Shelley - I will love you always and think of you fondly...when everyone is not forcing me to evaluate the past at least...
xo, J